“Everything you were on Earth is still inside
you, buried deep,” Rosemary intoned. She
was sitting, as always, on the rough bench, hands folded in her lap, the two
packages of folded, corded hide sitting beside her. Late morning sunlight filtered into the
Redoubt through its narrow entrance; iron-bracketed torches smoked and
flickered in the cave walls. “You merely
have to find the patterns hidden at the center of yourself. Your subconscious is the key. Do not dig, but allow your mind to drift inwards, to the heart of your
memories. Experience yourself
again.”
My
name is Will, Will
thought.
I am sixteen years old. Marvel,
everybody, at the depth and complexity of The Will Experience!
“You have brought with you to
Elysium that which is most central to who you are. You do not need to find anything new. You do not need to seek. On its own, your mind is drifting into the
memory of who you were. You are
inhabiting the memory.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Will
noticed something stirring. The rays of sunlight
through the cave mouth revealed tiny specks of matter, swirling in the air,
slowly. Rosemary took no notice; her
eyes were shut in concentration. Next to
Will, Buddy’s heartlight hovered, motionless.
But was it, perhaps, a bit dimmer than he’d remembered it?
“Be now as you were then. Feel now as you felt then. Who is with you, standing beside you in your
memory? What is in your heart as you
abide in his or her company? That
feeling is who you are. Allow the
feeling in your heart to slowly pour through you, into you, filling you slowly
from the bottom, as an empty vessel.”
Definite motion now, all throughout
the cave―a twisting of dust in the air, and, somehow, of the air itself. A low whistling, as of the wind through a
crevice. And at the center of the
forming vortex, Buddy’s heartlight.
“In what task are you engaged, in
your memory? What is in your heart, as
you perform this task? That feeling is
who you are. You are one with your
work. Allow your work to occupy
you. It is bringing you into harmony
with itself and with your world. It is
you. You are it. The task and you are one.”
Not just dust, now, but larger
particles of earth and bone and flesh, rising from the cairns, vapor from the basin,
sucked into the vortex. Will had lost
all pretense of concentration on his own memories. As he stared, Buddy’s heartlight was slowly
being obscured behind a gathering, thickening crust of random matter.
“What is in your waking mind, in
your memory? What thoughts wander
through your head? Reach out with all
your senses to the world around you.
Experience the colors, savor the smells, taste the tang of the air. This is life.
This is you. You are filled with
it, one with it. You are spirit and form
in one! Feel the rasp of air in your
lungs, the thrumming in your ears as your heart pushes life through you. This is yours, this is you, you are thought and sensation; they fill you at once,
they combine within you, where they meet is where you are, is who you are…”
The vortex was swelling out wider,
gathering more and more loose matter into itself. The crust around Buddy’s heartlight was
growing, changing. Something about the
light within the Redoubt had changed; the cave was no longer illuminated from
outside or by the oil lamps in the walls.
It seemed to Will that the air itself, suddenly charged with static, had
taken on a glowing indigo hue. As if
backlit in blue fire, the form before them was taking on the shape of a human
body, building itself up from nothing, from the inside out. Matter was remaking itself before Will’s eyes;
random materials transmuting through some unguessable alchemy as earth, stone,
water became bone, flesh, skin…
Rosemary sat motionless on the
bench, eyes closed, face unchanged, her tone unaltered. “The memory is you; you are the memory. There is no distance, there is no time, there
is only you. You! Body and mind! Inhabit yourself! You are rising from the dream, rising towards
consciousness! AWAKEN!”
Something thrummed through the cave, through Will’s soul. The cavern echoed with a ringing POP as air
shoved itself aside to make room for something new.
The light, the electricity, blinked
out of existence. Where Buddy’s
heartlight had been, there was a body on the cave floor, face down, skin white
as snow, trembling and gasping.
Rosemary was remarkably quick,
grasping one of the hide bundles, untying it in a blur of deft fingers, then
racing to kneel beside the prone form and cover her up with it, then wrapping
an arm around…
Her?
Will
looked again. Rosemary had an arm tight
around Buddy’s shoulders and was whispering soothing words. Wrapped completely in the huge swath of tanned
leather, buried in its folds, the shape of Buddy’s body was indistinct. Nonetheless, a glance was sufficient to
confirm what he’d thought he’d seen.
Buddy was a girl.
There was a deep humming thrum, a
moment of resonance, as if her soul were a bell that had been struck, and the
universe spit her out. Sensation was
thrust upon her, flooding her unready mind; The Light was gone and gravity
weighed upon her and she was cold, cold.
There was a sudden roughness on her skin and a whispering roar in her
ear resolved itself slowly into cogent sound, and then into words.
“Wonderful! Wonderfully done! You’re safe now, child, perfectly safe. Breathe, yes…slowly, try to slow down…I know
it’s a shock, all the sensations flooding back at once…losing The Light, losing
the extra direction…you’re just disoriented, it’s going to be all right, I
promise, this is all perfectly natural…yes, that’s it, much better…you’ve done
wonderfully, dear, many people have taken much longer than you did, you were
brave, very brave, and very strong to inhabit yourself so quickly. You may cry if you wish, nobody would hold it
against you.”
Rosemary…No,
Rosemary, under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will I cry.
After all you’ve done for me…and after all she did for me…you both
deserve so much more than a cowering girl.
Strength,
then. Strength, and poise, and
presence. You are in the presence of true
friends. Be the woman they deserve.
Oh,
God…I’m so weak, though…so cold…
“No? Very well, then. Good, very good. Would you prefer to be held, or shall I get
you something to drink? Of course.” Rosemary made a quick detour over to the
brazier on the far wall. In her clearing
vision, she could see her, bringing back an earthenware bottle that had been
warming on a metal grate and a small wooden cup.
Will watched as Buddy sat staring
straight ahead, shaking all over in spite of the thick hide. She had short, dark hair and thin birdlike
features; her wide blue-grey eyes were rimmed with red. Her skin was so pale as to be almost
translucent. Maybe a little plain-looking, truth be told, Will thought. At first glance he had believed her to be a
child, but he saw now that that had been a misimpression based on seeing her
swaddled in the huge cloak; she was closer to his own age. She looked up gratefully at Rosemary, who was
scurrying back across the cave, bottle and cup in hand.
“Here you are. You’re doing remarkably well, dear. Herbal tea with honey; it will settle and
relax you, and your body needs the sugar.”
Rosemary gently eased the girl up onto the bench, then sat beside her,
wrapped a comforting arm around her. “Just
small sips at first; your body needs time to remember how to swallow. Yes, just like that. Can you tell me your name?”
“Mmmulmmp…” The girl set the cup down and took a long breath,
steadying herself. Her hands came up to
her face; her thumbs kneaded at the muscle under her jaw. She was still shuddering a bit but looked to
be regaining her composure.
“Emmmaallff…Emily.” She blinked,
looking up at Will’s heartlight, then turned to Rosemary, speaking slowly and
distinctly. “My name is Emily.”
“I am so, so delighted to meet you,
Emily,” came the voice by her ear. And
perhaps the arm around her was acceptable under the circumstances. Perhaps it wasn’t entirely wrong to be weak,
if only for a moment, and only in present company. A woman could lean upon another woman. “Can you tell me whether this body is the one
in which you died, or a younger version of yourself? Not everyone can manage a younger incarnation,
especially on the first attempt…”
“No.”
Emily took a long, steadying breath, followed by a longer swallow from
the steaming cup. Her voice was still
shaking; she commanded it to stop doing so, and slowly, it obeyed. “No, this is me. This is who I was…”
“Who you are,” Rosemary corrected her gently, with a warm smile. “You are as alive now as you have ever been,
Emily.” Rosemary looked up at the
heartlight against the wall of the cave.
Emily’s eyes followed Rosemary’s, and she felt a sudden, sharp pang of
sympathy and loss. You look different through these eyes, she
thought. I can’t see the true color of the light in you; it’s faded to a sort of
chartreuse. The color of The Light…human
eyes can’t really see it.
But
I see you. Oh, I see you. And I remember.
Rosemary was addressing the
heartlight now. “As for you, I hope the
delay in your own incarnation isn’t because you’re trying for a younger
body. To incarnate is difficult under
any circumstances. You should, at the
first attempt, come back as the most physically familiar version of yourself. As Emily has.
Believe me, you can do
it. You must not be discouraged at
lagging behind her; I am fully confident that you are capable…”
It came bursting out of Emily,
welling up from deep inside, before she could control it. “NO!” she heard herself shout. “STOP IT!
Don’t you dare patronize her!”
Will hovered for a moment,
confused. Emily’s eyes, so rheumy and
close to tears just moments ago, were alert and flashing anger, her voice
sharp. But I didn’t say anything!
And then he realized that Emily had
been addressing Rosemary. And that
Emily’s “her” had been in reference, not to Rosemary, but to him.
Rosemary was staring at Emily, her gaze
steady, her eyes patient. Emily lowered
the cup in shock at the sound of her own voice.
Her hands flew up to her own face reflexively; but for the fact that her
body didn’t seem to know how it worked, she would have slapped herself. “Oh, God…Rosemary…I’m sorry…That came out
wrong…”
“It’s all right, Emily,” Rosemary
responded, tightening her one-armed embrace.
“It’s not your fault. Your body
isn’t used to all these stimuli. To anything, really. There’s all these hormones and chemicals
surging through you and they don’t quite remember what they were for yet. You will find that things are a bit jumbled
for the first twenty-four hours.” With
her free hand, she gently grasped Emily’s hands and slowly lowered them from
her face, then smiled at her warmly. The
smile was a lifeline; Emily felt peace flow into her, and was even able to
return a small, shy smile of her own.
“Rosemary, I’m grateful. Really, I am.
I was…I don’t know. I wasn’t
sure, at first, I didn’t know if I wanted The Light or, or to come back,
but…but this is right. It’s right to
breathe again.” She inhaled slowly. “So, so right.” A weird giggle came welling up out of nowhere
and burst from her lips; the surprise must have showed on her face, as Rosemary
laughed in response. “Okay, yeah, you’re
right. I’m…uh, kind of a mess at the
moment. This is going to take some
getting used to.” And the two of them
laughed together for a moment.
“But, yeah, sorry, I overreacted
there.” How can I explain it? How can I
make Rosemary understand? “It’s just
that…” Emily looked back across the
cave, to where the single, lonely heartlight hovered motionless. “Rosemary…she was so amazing. Back on Earth, I
mean. I was just flailing around, and
then she showed up, out of nowhere. She
taught me…well, everything. How to
move. I mean, she could fly from the
moment we cleared the…the barrier field?
Is that right? She was turning
loops and spirals and I couldn’t even move.
She could have done anything, gone anywhere.” Emily took another swallow of tea. “But she didn’t. She stayed there, and she helped me. She showed me how. She taught me to fly.”
Had Will thought Emily was plain-looking? Her
features were ordinary enough. A picture
of her might not have caused men to swoon or filled the eyes of modeling agents
with dollar signs. But there was
something in her that a still image couldn’t possibly capture. I can
see her heartlight, he suddenly thought. Not literally, but…it’s there. It’s in her face, somehow. When she was angry, there, a moment ago. And now she’s smiling, and there it is again.
She’s
an incarnate human being…with a visible heartlight. And when she smiles, she’s…not plain. Not at all.
And then Emily was looking directly
at him. And then was she smiling, not
shyly, not in reminiscence, but fully, and most importantly, at him.
With her eyes first, then with her whole face, then with all of her.
When
she smiles, she smiles with all of her.
Not
plain. At all.
“And then later, with the…psychovore?” Emily paused to draw breath. At first she hadn’t been able to speak at
all; now, suddenly, she couldn’t stop. “The
giant fish-thing? On the way in. She was the first one in, the fast one. The one that drew it here. She…she drew it away from me, first. It had me, and she basically dove right into
its mouth to pull it away. And then…when
it was chasing her…I…I tried to catch up…to help…but I couldn’t…” And there were the idiot emotions, flooding
in and shutting her up, turning her into some kind of swooning Victorian
heroine, and she hated them. And she
resolved to have words with them, once she had her bearings back. You
will be dealt with, princess thoughts, she swore. Oh,
yes. There will be a reckoning between you and I. And I will twist your
pretty little heads around backwards, so that you can WATCH as I kick your ass.
Rosemary, though, was staring at
the heartlight. And Emily couldn’t quite
make sense of the expression on Rosemary’s face. It wasn’t the beatific, soothing gaze she’d
used with the two of them for the past week and a half. This was more…evaluative, somehow. “It’s quite all right, dear,” Rosemary said,
her eyes still locked on the heartlight.
“You can’t be blamed. It’s no small
thing to outrun a psychovore.” Her gaze
intensified, as if she were contemplating a specimen under a microscope. “Did I understand you correctly? Ben’s supposition was correct? You are
new souls? Both of you?”
Emily nodded. “She was right with me on the way up, back on
Earth, inside the barrier field. She saved
me at least twice.” Another laugh came
burbling up from inside her, and this time, she gave it permission. “Saved my soul.”
Rosemary nodded slowly. “I apologize, in any case,” she said,
addressing the heartlight directly. “I
didn’t mean to sound patronizing. I only
wanted to tell you that I still believed in you―and based on what Emily’s
telling me, my confidence was justified,” she added. “But my choice of language was less than
elegant. I’ll attempt to do better, I
promise.” She stood. “For now, however, I must leave you. All of Haven is awaiting word of our progress. People will want to know that Emily’s fully
with us now. I need to take her back to
Ben so that he can make the arrangements; she will be introduced to the town in
two days time, at the monthly meeting.”
She turned back to Emily. “If
that is acceptable, dear?”
Actually,
no, that’s not acceptable,
Emily thought. The “dear” part, I mean. I
expect I’ll get enough “dear” and “sweetie” from the men running this
sausage-fest of a town. You and I can do
better than that. And where ARE all the women, anyway? But she held herself in check. With every passing moment, she felt more of
her composure returning. She would be
strong, capable, independent. She was
sure of it. She was back on the beam
again, and woe betide the man who tried to knock her off of it. “Yes, that will be fine.”
Will watched as Rosemary
nodded. Rising, she helped Emily to her
feet; Emily’s legs wobbled beneath her like those of a newborn colt. Rosemary steadied her, then turned back to
Will. “After we leave, please consider
practicing the techniques you’ve just witnessed, those which brought Emily back. Your memories are essential. You must direct your full attention to
them. They will bring you home to us, as
they have brought Emily home.”
Memories,
Will thought. Right. The memories I don’t have. If he’d had a gut, there’d have been a
sinking feeling in it. But Emily had
turned towards him and had taken a tottering step in his direction, with Rosemary
lurking behind, ready to catch her if she fell.
And she smiled again, with all of her, and all thought of the mechanics
of incarnation―indeed, all thought―just
sort of disintegrated.
“Look…I know it can be painful,” she said. “Remembering.
It was for me. Knowing what
you’ve lost. Some of what I left behind,
back there, in the other life…I’d do anything to have it back. Anything.”
A long pause. “But…no matter how
hard it hurts…please try. I know,
whatever it is, you can work through it.
Go into the memory, like Rosemary says.
Be one with it. I’ll be waiting
for you, right here.”
She stared at him for a long
moment. “I’ve seen what you can do. I know how brave you can be.“ Rosemary took her Emily, giving Will a nod,
and helped her from the cave, out into the light of morning. At the entrance, Emily turned back, one
corner of her mouth quirked up in a wry grin.
“I’ll bet you’ve never had a single princess thought, have you?”
And then she was gone, and Will was
drifting, suspended in space.
Nope.
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